Dear Sir, You're Such An Idiot

Our friend Charly Grogan, a music teacher in Arizona, had another spectacular run-in with a Nigerian Advance Fee Fraud Scammer. Perhaps you remember his first impressive scammer smackdown? This new exchange is hilarious and will delight Star Wars fans. I don't know if this scammer really understood what was going on...but thankfully we do.

Blue=Nigerian Scammer

Green=Charly

(Spellings, phrasing and line breaks were left in original form. Published with permission.)

Good day to you over there, I need a tutor for my son (larry) for themonth of JUNE,I got your advert while surfing through the internet andi really want my child to be taught by you.he is 19 year old andeasily catch up.Although,i understand you are in (U.S} but i'vearranged with my FRIEND ASSOCAITE living there that my son is coming tostay with him for his period of tutoring and he has agreed with me,i am based in switzerland kindly get back to me with......
1.YOUR CHARGE FOR AN HOUR....
2.TOTAL CHARGES FOR 1 MONTH THAT HE
WILL BE TAUGHT 3 TIMES PER WEEK..
3.FULL NAME AND ADDRESS....
4.YOUR PHONE NUMBER..."
don't hesitate to e-mail with your total charges.regardadams

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Hello Adams,

I am happy to provide this service for your son Larry. However, before we proceed you need to understand that I do not accept any payments from or to Nigeria.

Let me know if this is a problem.

Best regards,

Charles

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hello gorgan,
Thanks for your mail....well i want to know the price of the lesson.....

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My name is Grogan, not gorgan. Perhaps you are confsing me with a "gorgon" which is a hideous ancient mythological creature with snakes instead of hair. I do have snakes but I don't keep them in my hair. And I'm not hideous. Well...not very.

Anyway, for payment I'll accept $2000, plus $15,000 when we reach Alderaan.

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Hello Charles Grogan,
Thanks for your mail....well.....which price is $2000, plus $15,000 ,
explain to me...
waiting to heat from you soonest.
regard
adams.....

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Hello Adams,

It depends on how far you want to go. If you want to stay only at Mos Eisley then $2000 will do fine. You could probably get that amount just by selling your land speeder. However, if you want to go all of the way to Alderaan then it will cost you an extra $15,000. The reason for the price difference is to avoid any imperial entanglements. Further, if Alderaan happens to be completely blown away and we are pulled via tractor beam into a space station then I will have a bad feeling about it. That will certainly cost you extra. First of all there is the termination fee for the princess. And then there is the dry cleaning fee if we happen to be stuck in a filthy trash compactor. Adding more to the cost is if our Jedi master happens to be struck down by Darth Vader or any other Lord of the Sith. Yes, I realize that in the event that the Jedi master is struck down he will become more powerful that you can imagine but that doesn't entirely compensate for the loss of companionship, etc.

On the other hand, if you are able to provide a replacement Jedi master, say in the Dagobah system, then I will consider that adequate compensation. I will need transit to that system, though, and preferably in a craft that does not sink in swampy areas. So, in summary, I believe that $2000 will be adequate and look forward to meeting your son Larry. One thing you should be aware of in advance is that he may need to be addressed with a different name in keeping with Jedi customs. I hope that this will not cause undue stress on yourself or your son. Keep in mind that he will receive the best training possible and at the end of the month will receive a discount on any light sabers that he may want to purchase.

Best regards,

Charles (A.K.A. Master Whoa-be-gone)

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Hello Charles Grogan ,
Thanks for your reply......Well .......i want to stay at Mos Eisley which is $2000.i am not going to Alderaan and i will need your address information for sending the payment to you and i will want you to tell me when the lesson start.

waiting to read from you soonest.
regard
adams......

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Dear Adams,

Please, it is preferable that you refer to me as Master Whoa-be-gone. You stated that Larry would be here for the month of June so the sooner the better, seeing that June has already started. First we need to take care of some details:

1. At the end of the month no more training will he require.

2. They let us go, it's the only explanation for the ease of our escape.

3. I will be giving Larry information vital to the survival of the rebellion. It is imperative that he guard this information with the utmost secrecy.

4. You must do what you feel is right, of course.

5. I can only take Larry as far as Anchorhead. From there he will have to get a transport to Mos Eisley.

6. He can waste time with his friends after his chores are done.

If these terms are amenable to you then send payment to:

Master Whoa-be-gone
1138 Tashi Station
Mos Eisley, AZ 100-100-1 SOS

Thank you, and may the farce be with you.

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Hello Charles Grogan,
Thank you for the email, and more so i am glad the way you
have kept me posted on the (tutoring) and more so you have accepted
your offer and its okay by me, I will make contacts with my son
concerning the arrangement of the tutoring which he told me is ok by
him and i want you to know that i am going to pay for month which is
$2000. also i want you to know that my client who is in canada will be
sending you a check of $6,000 which i want you to know that the rest
of the money will be used to get accomodation beside your location
and any other arrangement for the lesson,as soon as you get the check
cash you will deduct cost of price of the lesson and send remaing
balance to my NANNY.

Regarding this kindly get back to me with your full information to
receive the check so that payment can be able to made out intime. hope
here is your address information :

Master Whoa-be-gone
1138 Tashi Station
Mos Eisley, AZ 100-100-1 SOS

add your phone number the address information.
regard
adams

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Dear Adams,

You are probably the most stupid person I have ever met.

Good day to you.

Charles

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hello charles,
Thanks for your mail.....you are not concerning with the money all
what you have to do is when you received the payment you will deduct
your money and the remaing money is larry to fined accommadation for
the lesson period.

waiting to hear goods news from you
regard
adams.....

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Let me make myself clear:

1. Your name is NOT Adams Smith

2. You do NOT have a son named Larry.

3. You are a scammer.

4. I am NOT going to send money to a nanny.

5. Don't bother me any more.

Do you understand me now?

You're such an idiot.

THE END

Under Siege --like Steven Seagal

Imagine my surprise when I checked an unrelated credit card account yesterday to find yet another fraudulent charge. This was one I hold with a local credit union, one that is only accessed by me and one that I rarely use. (Sigh)

So I called them and had my card deactivated and filed a claim on the fraudulent charge. It was only $10 but if these people are trying to "test" to see if someone will detect their naughty behavior, my answer is a resounding YES. I also obtained my credit report from all 3 bureaus. Did you know you can get that free if you go HERE? Just so you know, that link is referenced from the Federal Trade Commission (government) website. So it's legit.

The problem with credit reports is that they are about 1-2 months behind the current date. So while I can see if any errors about past reporting (which there are!), it doesn't help me with this situation which is not even a week old. I guess it gives me a baseline to know how many accounts I have open and their status. So I'm not sure what else to do about this. Ken thinks I should check all the balances on my store cards (all 3 of them) and just wait to see if this asshole is brazen enough to do anything else. And being that both my avenues to plastic money are shut down, I have all the time in the world.

Draconian-ly patronized

So it turns out that, yes, someone was using our account to purchase things. Specifically they bought international mailing labels to send, say, pirated copies of Happy Feet or fake Kate Spade handbags. And after a hard day's work of pilfering our checking account, he or she treated themselves to some stuff on Amazon.

First thing yesterday morning, I called USPS (which was showing on the ledger) and then the Bank. It was 7:15 am when I started the call and I didn't finish until 9 am. I just want to ask a question: is it considered best practices to transfer a customer who is reporting account fraud to 7 different departments and make her repeat the story to each representative? Do you have something in front of you that might be computer-like which you could input the information? Or even just write it down on a piece of paper and pass it to the customer rep sitting next to you. Between the transferring, recounting of the story and holding, I kept thinking: doesn't account fraud and identity theft happen every day all day long? Shouldn't this be a textbook exercise by now?

Each bank rep had their own role and personality flaw, kinda like the Seven Dwarfs. The most notable was the first who I'll call "Chipper". He was so hyperly-optimistic I began to get dizzy from all the forced pleasantries spilling from his every sentence. "You've been a bank customer since 2004! Isn't that great?! Thank you so much for banking with us!" I wanted to say, 'Easy now, don't go using it all up on me. You have a whole day of bullshitting ahead of you.'

And then there was the forth rep, "Yappy". I spent several minutes trying to figure out where she was going with this:
"You know, I attended law school but dropped out due to some unforeseen circumstances but I inspired my sister to go to law school and now my cousin wants to be a politician because she likes to argue."
"OK... so back to the breach of our account. What should we do about new ATM cards?"
"One time my dog ate my ATM card so I have to be careful where I leave it."

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The Bank knows that there is a certain way to treat people who "patronize" them. The word 'patronize' means either giving an organization your business OR acting in a condescending manner.

So in terms of my experience...Yeah, that's about right.

Someone is in Big Trouble

Seriously, if I find out that 8 unexplainable transactions on 2/02/07 totaling $295.91 worth of charges to "USPS Express Mail" are the result of someone stealing our checking card number, there is going to be hell to pay.
This explains why the card was getting rejected Sunday & Monday at various merchants. And of course all the customer service lines are closed for our bank and USPS now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Dear Sir, I am not stupid.

Charly is a long-time friend of Ken's and a music teacher in Arizona. With his permission, I am publishing his well-handled and ultimately hilarious coorespondence with a scam artist as a cautionary tale to the rest of us. The lesson: when people on the Internet ask you for money, make them sorry they ever contacted you.

Read the full account HERE. (in PDF format)

For a PDF reader, go here.